The Importance Of Emotional Needs

From the day we are born we have physical needs. We are taught how to navigate through the world. From the day are born we also have emotional needs. As babies we cry and long to be held, to be comforted and to be loved.  Our cries as children was the first way we learned how to as for our emotional and physical needs to be met. As we grow older however we forget how to identify or ask for our emotional needs to be met. How can we ask for them if we don’t know what they are?  Some examples of our emotional needs are to feel accepted, appreciated, important, valued, loved or respected. When it feels like most of our emotional needs are being met they become “unmet emotional needs.”

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John Powell, author of Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?, believes that unmet emotional needs are one of the two major causes of anxiety. He says the other is supercharged repressed emotions. Emotional needs affect us more than we realize. They stem from childhood to adulthood. We learn from our caregivers how to express or ask for our needs to be met. If in our families needs were never expressed then it will make it difficult in adulthood to be able to identify what our needs are let alone express them. The importance of if our needs have been met throughout our life can often be something we are not aware of, however unmet emotional needs and an inability to identify or ask for them can turn into a negative cycle. If one grows up not understanding how to identify or ask for their needs to be met it will translate into their adult relationships.

I have often times heard people say “isn’t it selfish to ask someone to meet my needs”? My response is, it is never selfish to healthily communicate to someone how they can make you or your relationship better. It is the responsibility of the other person to decide if they choose to meet your needs. All we can do is take responsibility for oursevles and our responses, not the responses of others. If we hold in our needs they will fester and possibly grow into anger or resentment. It can also lead us to look for other external factors to get our needs met.

When What You Say and Do Is Not In Sync With What You Feel

Some Ways We Try to Compensate for Our Unmet Emotional Needs

By managing/controlling/manipulating others

By feeling superior to them.

By seeking status, money, fame.

By competing and trying to be the fastest, the smartest, the best, etc.

By keeping all our emotions inside and never voicing them

By isolating from others

By turning to food, drugs or alcohol to comfort ourselves or deal with uncomfortable emotions

By reacting with passive aggressiveness or hostility

By people pleasing

We do these things to try and make ourselves feel ok, to feel better, to be enough. They are a temporary band aid to a wound that has yet to heal. When we behave in ways that compensate rather than address the issue we are utilziing unhealthy ways of coping. In order to feel emotionally fullfilled we must utilize healthy coping skills and it all starts with identifying what your emotional needs are and then finding ways to ask for them. You hold the key to emotional freedom.

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Renovation of our minds

Therapists work with many different types of people, people whose stories and struggle are each different and unique. One common thing I have noticed as a therapist is how powerful our thoughts truly are. Thoughts can either be your best friend or the toughest meanest bully you can ever encounter. The power however is in your hands, the power to make a transformation of your mind is possible. Look at your mind as a room that needs to be redone and revamped, we do not want to demolish the room. The goal is not to destroy, erase, damage or forget the goal is to renew, restore and to renovate.

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The definition of renovation is to replace and make new. Our minds can be filled with toxic negavitve clutter. Our thoughts have the ability to make us second guess ourselves, our worth and what we are caplable of. How many times have you had a thought of ” I can’t do that” I’ll always struggle with this issue ” I”ll never be as ( fill in the blank here)” All these negative thoughts are junk that clutter your mental and emotional space. The moment you give in to the negative thoughts you are making a silent agreement with them. An agreement that opens the door to the negative thoughts and allow it to stay, fester grow and to make themselves at home. We have to develop an “I don’t think so” mentality. When a negative thought or idea comes your way the ability to answer back with an assertive  stance and declare, NO! I don’t think so is how you start to regain power and challenge the negativity. You may be asking how?  Here are some ways you can begin to renovate your mind.

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1. Trace the origin of your thoughts- Thoughts, beliefs and ideas come from somewhere, they have an origin a birthplace. They are like seeds that are planted in us. When negative thoughts come ask yourself, where did this thought come from? Is this serving a positive purpose or a negative? Is this thought my own or does it come from somewhere else? Many times the realization that the origin of certain thoughts come from your past, your expereinces and your relationships can be freeing. Locate the origin and then you have the power to  question, challenge and fight against it.

2. To renovate your mind pull down the negative and put up the positive – Once you know the origin of negative/toxic thoughts you can start to challenge them. This is where true renovation begins, when you start to challenge negative thoughts and ideals you start to take away their power, you start to question the truth behind the thoughts. When you realize certain thoughts developed through things that were said, experiences that one person had the truth behind the start starts to break. This is when you start to replace toxic negative thoughts with positive helpful thoughts that are based off of your values and ideals. This where you start to brighten your mind.

3. Guard your mind and thoughts- When you start to challenge the negative thoughts and are able to replace them with positive then its time to guard your mind. Protect your mind from the negative to come back and reclaim the space it once had. If your awareness is heightened then you will be more in tune with yourself and what thoughts you allow to take space in your mind.

4. Be patient with yourself- Negative thoughts love to come in and say ” You can’t do this” ” This isn’t working” Give up”. Remember to be kind and patient with yourself in any challenging growing process. One of the biggest trigger emotions and thoughts are fear of failure and hopelessness.

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It is very common to allow negative thoughts to lodge into our minds and take over, that up all the space. Whether you are facing depression, sadness, bitterness, grief, eating disorders, addiction my belief is that if we can renovate our minds and clear up a lot of the negative junk then room for healing can truly begin.

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For more information please visit my website http://www.journeytowellness.info

Hope For The Holidays

The holidays can be a very magical and special time for many people around the world but for others the holidays equate stress, anxiety, sadness or anger. This can be for a variety of reasons, familial issues, relationship issues, money issues, health issues the list goes on. For some reason the holiday season is the flashlight that shines on many of these issues for so many. This blog post is written to hopefully shine the light away from all the stress and anxiety and shine the light on the ways you can turn the stress and anxiety into peace, comfort and joy.

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As you are reading this I am sure you are saying how? I know many eating disorder blog posts related to the holidays are focused on the food and food anxiety associated with this time of year. I want to mainly focus on the emotional aspects associated not only surrounding food but surrounding holidays in general. Someone who has or is battling an eating disorder has created a relationship of protection and need surrounding their eating disorder. For many who are still in their disorder the holidays reflect a time where protection and a feeling of safety needs to take place. Protection meaning how do I avoid food this holiday? How do I binge this holiday and have no one notice? How can I purge this holiday without anyone noticing? For someone in recovery the dilemma is how can I prepare for this holiday? How can I stay calm around food this holiday? How can I make sure I don’t under eat or overeat this holiday? I am sure the list of questions and thoughts go on and on. I am here to focus on the fact that these questions and worry can actually feed into the anxiety and stress one may be experiencing. Do not get me wrong to be prepared and mindful and have a plan in place are of utmost importance however ruminating in the thought and worry will only increase thoughts and worry. Implementig action plans and solutions to counteract these thoughts is key.

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For many people that I work with the anticipation of the holiday is often times worse than the holiday itself. Acceptance of where you are at in your recovery or in your disease is a crucial first step for helping you create an action plan.

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Accepting and releasing- This is an important skill because so many people fight and beat themselves up over what they may be going through or facing in life. Accept that you may be struggling, accept that things may not be where you want them be and release any guilt or shame associated with it. Guilt and shame is truly like a prison that keeps you locked up, bound and stuck where you are. If someone who is struggling can come to a place of acceptance, then the light can be shown on the underlying issues that need to be cared for, addressed and movement can begin to happen. This holiday accept and release that this may be a hard time, a stressful time but its ok, you are ok. Release the guilt and shame, release that it may be a hard time for you and accept that for anyone struggling you are doing your best and like any other day the holiday will pass. 

Mindfulness – Become aware of what triggers any emotional upsets or anxiety for you. Whether it be food triggers or emotional triggers. Identify what they might be and for each one create an alternative thought, plan or identify someone you can turn to for support. Many times when someone is triggered the reaction is fueled off of  instinct and impulse. Instinct to push away or ignore feelings, impulse to act out, numb or find a way to cope that may be unhealthy. When someone can become aware of what their triggers are and how it affects their behavior it can be empowering because then an alternative action plan can be created. This holiday if food is your trigger think of a safety person or anchor (object) that you can reference or go to for extra support to help ease your anxiety. Visualize a safe space and take a moment for yourself to be in your safe visual space and breathe.

Presence- Be present with yourself often times someone who is battling or in recovery from an eating disorder has to learn how to reconnect mind body and spirit. An eating disorder serves for many as a way to disconnect from self, people and emotions. The concept of being present can be a difficult one.The concept of being and staying present is important because often times the build up of thoughts of what could or would happen is the catalyst for emotional turmoil and fear. This holiday season challenge yourself to stay present with where you will be, with the people surrounding you, to conversations, to the atmosphere. By becoming present you will allow yourself to become more aware and these are powerful skills to learn.

Prepare- For someone with an eating disorder the stress of being surrounded by food and what to eat and how much can be very tiring. If you are in recovery one of the best things you can do is stick to your meal plan the best you can. For anyone struggling, do your best to plan what you will eat ahead of time so you are not overwhelmed or panicked in the moment. Preparing will allow you to be more present and aware of your surroundings. The anxiety of comments families or loved ones can make or conversations that may be triggering can cause a lot of anxiety as well. Be honest and open beforehand with your family and ask that certain comments not be made or conversations not be had. By setting boundaries you are not only keeping yourself safe you are communicating your needs to the people who love you.

Love and compassion- Be loving and compassionate to yourself, the holidays can be hard, but getting through the holidays when struggling with an eating disorder can be very challenging. Remember to be kind to yourself with your words, actions and thoughts. Reach out for support and allow yourself to be your own support system as well. Love and use your voice to be open with any struggles you may face and set boundaries with family or friends to help them understand your needs and wants. By loving yourself you are allowing others to love and help you as well.

Have hope, if the flashlight can be focused not on the stress, worry and anxiety but onto the hope that is within, chances are the light will showcase things that for someone struggling with an eating disorder can begin to look at, focus on and be grateful. Lets shine the light on hope this holiday season and most of all shine the light of hope within ourselves.

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